The Critical Poet

The sensing of space and colour

Divina — Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:45 pm

Author: Divina

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:45 pm

rucieree (Cheryl is your name?) and William

I've sort of completed the revision. I have nothing more to say about being an idealist than eating chocolate cake. I must be shallow! Anyway, thanks again to the both of you for your time and help. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and revising.

Maria

Dawn at Swansea bay

chris wy — Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:39 pm

Author: chris wy

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:39 pm

Hi Amanda. I've had total collapse in inspiration for quite a while now so it was great for me to just get an idea for a little write again. I really appreciate the way you look through my stuff with your needle eye! :

I see what your saying re S1. I think it could be tightened. Thanks for the hypenation tips. Personally I like the extra sonics 'to nowhere' brings so I'll probably keep that.

There is a little bit of poetic license in the kelp - not because its not dry but because the predominant seaweed on the shoreline is actually bladder wrack. Funnily enough the dunlins prefer to have damp/wet feet so they do tend to stick below the line!

As for cuteness and mother : I'm obviously not succeeding in getting across the Idea of the sun being personified as 'mother' . She rises fat and smiling and, at the end of the poem she's smiling at her puppy the dog because of his antics and because she sees herself in him. I'm going to think about how to get this across in some other way.

Thanks again

Rucieree. Yep its a bit of a tongue twister but I think it does sound good if you get the reading right - please note comments above about the dog. I take your point about imagery - perhaps one or two strong images is better than 4 or 5 images which cross over each over.

Hi William - thanks for the read although I must confess you've lost me slightly

Octo - likewise thanks for the read

Another one named "Purple"

Divina — Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:48 pm

Author: Divina

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:48 pm

Nice to meet you.

I like this. But some parts need a bit of work. The first two lines are really telly. Lose them.

She wrote poems ... not that original but I like the straighforwardness of its intent. Not crazy about For what?. Do you need it? The purple shadows reminds me of To the Lighthouse, a novel I love. The poem then seems to turn into a riddle, sort of. I would tweak some parts and maybe make the ending a bit clearer. The tone isn't consistent throughout and there are perhaps �too many purples and the indeed is unnecessary. Besides all this, I enjoyed reading. Hope you decide to edit.

All the best
Maria

frankgaipa wrote:

PURPLE

To her all dark was purple.
Purple was darker than funeral black.
Purple was richer perhaps? Or not?
She wrote poems. Purple was code. For what?
In her stories, doors cast purple shadows.
One fictive little girl of hers,
in a very purple mood indeed,
face puckering hard with a purple need,
pressed two purple fingers down
through the back of a yellow canary pet.
What the bird said
was a purple blurb,
a cancerous balloon
in a comic book panel�
spilled ink spreading.
The bird said nothing at all.
The bird it only crunched and died.
She didn't give it purple blood.

[Never occurred to me until this moment, but there's some coincidence here with a sequence in the second half of my broken fairytalish poem on the this board.--fg]

view

Divina — Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:51 pm

Author: Divina

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:51 pm

Dan

Do you really need the last three lines?

Cheers,
Maria

Invisible garden

Divina — Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:47 pm

Author: Divina

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:47 pm

It exists in-between my fingers
and will disappear as soon as I open
them wide. A turtle ventures

inside a haven of lizards/wizards.
I'm confused today,
sweaty skin, the day turns

cold for a minute, back to
eternity under sun serenades.

(It has just disappeared).

July is for weddings.
Looking at a picture of my cousins
in a botanical
garden--we were bridesmaids.
I'm holding a purple daisy.

--

Limericks!

Ange — Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:51 pm

Author: Ange

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:51 pm

I have been away for some time,
and admire your fine elegant rhyme.
Happy for you Michelle,
hope you're all doing well
and that Austin is cheery and fine.

Vision

Ange — Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:43 pm

Author: Ange

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 7:43 pm

I enjoyed reading this. I liked that it was positive in its outlook. I do not understand the use of the question mark at the end. I presume you meant 'travel' but missed the last letter. The use of the ... means nothing , why bother with it. Messages need to be clear and what you really want to say. I like you are not afraid to use the word love and maybe we are made to overcome any destiny. Just some thoughts,

Healing and peace

Ballad Quatrains II

JustDaniel — Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:04 pm

Author: JustDaniel

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:04 pm

I hope you don't need Fix-a-Flat
to bring about your wood!
I've heard that taking off some fat
works better and feels good.

Odes Less Ravelled - Ballad Quatrains

JustDaniel — Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:44 pm

Author: JustDaniel

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 3:44 pm

The poster said, Dead or Alive;
the picture was of Steve.
I pondered, Should I shoot or knive...
but opted just to leave.

Hurt your brain on the Cinquain Train

JustDaniel — Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:27 pm

Author: JustDaniel

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 2:27 pm

cat-fling
is not a game
easy on the stomach --
especially when it's over
roof tops

a sad house in lava bubbles

weaver — Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:56 am

Author: weaver

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:56 am

But I always found lava bubbles to be happy!

Making Love to a Japanese Love Doll [language...]

weaver — Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:53 am

Author: weaver

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 4:53 am

I could hang you and you wouldn't feel
your legs kicking

I like that

I like your neck,
your soft shoulders, the precious skin -
o.k. - I'm in love with you
what now?

Everyone can see that I'm happy.

It's no wonder you are bored with bland poetry, look at this stuff, or turn away - it's fantasmical. Not a word but I don't care.

You've described something precious in a way that is sacrificial.

I'll be back.

W

How the Garden Dies and Grows

Steve Parker — Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:50 am

Author: Steve Parker

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:50 am

I like it lots. Just get it as a female house falling down. What a fine place of oriented plant dereliction.

Best line-breaks I've seen for quite a while from anyone.

Crap title, though... Sorry.

Steve.

torn

William Fairbrother — Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:49 am

Author: William Fairbrother

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 12:49 am

it's a fine narrative